ive come to the conclusion that im not relationship material and i never will be, so i might as well just give up and stop trying to force it.

if only you realized how close you are to losing who u hold so close and dear. if only you knew. would u try to fix it? or would u just continue down this path?

so i see you in 6 days. im excited it feels like i havent seen u in so much longer that just 5 weeks. idk what i want to say to you. i feel like theres something running and hiding in my mind. idk whatever i give up. i miss you though.
i shouldent gamble ever, and i mean ever.
idk im just in a really weird mood right now and idk why. its really annoying that i cant figure this out.

i tried to say i hate you but those words never left my mouth. all that came out was that i love you more than you ever know.
i tried to say i want you out of my life. all that i could say was never leave me.
is it that i can never say what i really want or is it that i say what i really want to but not what i think i really want to.

hmm today was a somewhat rough day. i got like 4 hours of sleep last night, i still got up and went to writing though. my throat is sore i think peters room mate got us both sick, he probably gave us like SARS or like bird flu or something, grr i am way over my sickness quota. then this afternoon i got hit by one of those waves of missing her, this wasnt one of those regular ones this one was more like a tsunami and as much as i feel like a totally bitch for admiting this, i was on the verge of crying, it just hit me in the chest hard it physically hurt, that really sucked, i feel like the closer i get to seeing her the harder it is and the more i miss her, *sigh* this needs to be over soon.

your voice in my ears, your smile in my eyes, your kiss on my lips all thats missing is your body in my arms.
if only you knew what you do to me, i doubt ill ever be able to put into words the way you make me feel or the things you do to me, but ill try to come close. you need to know how youve affected me and i know i tell all these things that youve done but ive only peeled off a couple layers, and i know im gonna spend a multitude of words telling you what uve accomplished and how great i think you are. you may not believe me every time i tell you but its always true every word i say to you is the truth, if you dont believe me or even if you do and want an explinaton just ask me and ill gladly explain to you.

i love you and i hate you all at the same him.
maybe i should reword that and put it all in a rhyme.
yeh yeh that will sound a little nicer
yeh that will soften the blow lead you not to disdain this writer.
but maybe i want these words to be harsh
not soft like a
but will you develop a hate for me
will these words conceal the point i want you to see

ive written so many blogs about you,it quite disgusting i admit it and yet im gonna keep doing it whats wrong with me. not that i dont want to just feel like im becoming one of those people that really annoy me like the ones that their girlfriend is all they care about, i know im not but im still uber sensitive about becoming one. i wont become one though its just not in my personality. this is just the place where i express feelings that i have no other place to express them.
did i just have an argument with myself in my blog? i think i did. oh well

hmm what to blog what to blog....
so yesterday was our 7 month we both totally forgot til i outa the blue remembered at 11:30 at night. thats a long time thats like 3.5 "long term" relationships for me i guess i cant have that two month rule any more. oh well shit happens.
so yeh...
this world is a crazy place so much shit has happened so much has changed and so much has remained the same. it grat and horrible at the same time, its quite the connundrum trying to figure it out.
i want to write a song idk what about though. i really wish i was artistic, not even just drawing but i just wish i was creative like i feel creative ideas trying to get out they just cant idk whats blocking them though.

we're becoming one of those cute gross couples that used to annoy me. you know whats even worse? i love every second of it

can you be my one? can you be my only? can you be my love for life? cause thats what i want you to be.
its gonna be a long 13 days omg

15 days
youre beautiful, i know i dont tell you enough but know that you are even when i dont say it and you dont think you are, know that you are and that i think you do.
your the first thing i think about when i, i wake up and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep, that sounds so cliche but its true. you forever haunt my dreams and thoughts but youre one ghost id never get an exorcist for. id say how much i love you but i realized i dont even know how much its too much for me to measure for me to do that would taint it and i would never want to taint our love. i am grateful for every moment we have together. the butterflies still flutter and i still get a tingeling through out my body when i see you its not nerves its just pure joy that i get to see you.
i love you more than you or i know

so um hi
i love u i miss u you, i miss hearing your voice, i miss u scent, i miss holding u in my arms feeling your body connecting with mine, i miss looking ur beautiful blue eyes and i miss felling that extacy i feel when im with you.
just thought id let you know

so um yeh 18 days.
i finally get that whole sniffing ur gf/bf clothes thing.

have you you ever seen a person and just thought to yourelf "that persons parents should be shot for having that monstrtocity they call a child. like seriously u have to know how hidious that thing is, like you just shouldent let that out in public, you should lock it in a cage in the basement and feed it through a tiny hole its bad enough you created it, we shouldent be forced to suffer by looking at it" theres some people i feel that if i beat them in and around the face with a blunt instrument theyd be so much less offensive to my eyes. why should i be foreced to suffer just cause it looked like you were beaten with the ugly stick, then the entire ugly tree fell on you and rolled over you, then you were walking down disgusting street and the hidious car hit u backed up, ran i over and then drove back over you about 5 times, then a couple years later you were hit by the grotesque train. you should just put a paper bag over your head, you should be arrested for violating my 8th amendment cause having to see you is definitely cruel and unusual punishment.

you ever have the urge to just run up on someone and be like *shank shank* "you dead fool".
I should make a fat girl skinned rug. like they have bear and tiger skin rugs. like theyd be about the same size. i think thatd look good in my living room. just skin her throw an apple in her mouth and there u go throw that infront of the fire place. thatd be a nice little piece to have.
speaking of fat girls i still need to find me a fat girl here to take care of me and do my laundry and stuff. i gotta get on that