Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
sometimes....
sometimes i wish i didnt love you,
sometimes i wish i care.
sometimes i wonder why do this to myself.
sometimes i wish i could stop.
sometimes i wish u would stop being so stubborn so i could just end it.
sometimes i wish u would stop being the most amazing girlfriend so id even have the slightest reason to end it.
sometimes i wonder what itd be like if i just gave up trying.
sometimes i wish i didnt want to spend every waking moment with you.
sometimes i wish that i didnt spend every moment missing you.
sometimes you really have no idea how i feel about you and i dont think ill find the words to express it, just know this i care about you more than you realize.
sometimes i wish i care.
sometimes i wonder why do this to myself.
sometimes i wish i could stop.
sometimes i wish u would stop being so stubborn so i could just end it.
sometimes i wish u would stop being the most amazing girlfriend so id even have the slightest reason to end it.
sometimes i wonder what itd be like if i just gave up trying.
sometimes i wish i didnt want to spend every waking moment with you.
sometimes i wish that i didnt spend every moment missing you.
sometimes you really have no idea how i feel about you and i dont think ill find the words to express it, just know this i care about you more than you realize.
Friday, February 19, 2010
soul of a poet
mind of a problem solver
legs of a runner
curiosity peaked easily
spirit of a lover
spirit of a hater
spirit of a fighter
the sweet caring guy
the douchbag
the one you couldent live without
the one you wish you never met
the son
the brother
but is this me?
i dont know you tell me
what am i to you
am i any of this?
all of this?
or something totally different
i am me i am what i say i am
but am i realy?
im whatever you say i am
but in the end im me
whether i am what i say i am
or whatever you say i am
i am me and im not changing that for anyone but me
mind of a problem solver
legs of a runner
curiosity peaked easily
spirit of a lover
spirit of a hater
spirit of a fighter
the sweet caring guy
the douchbag
the one you couldent live without
the one you wish you never met
the son
the brother
but is this me?
i dont know you tell me
what am i to you
am i any of this?
all of this?
or something totally different
i am me i am what i say i am
but am i realy?
im whatever you say i am
but in the end im me
whether i am what i say i am
or whatever you say i am
i am me and im not changing that for anyone but me
Thursday, February 18, 2010
as you lay wishing to fade away,
you sink, you thrash you wonder,
whats going on?
where are you?
whats happening?
all you wanted to do was fade quietly
you feel a warmth engulf you
you feel a darkness get ripped from your chest.
what is this?
you feel something missing
a hollowness is now where this lunp of darkness was,
a torrent rips tou from your thoughts
u see the darkenss above you getting thrown into light
you yourself are being thrown around in this ocean,
this ocean of purity,
you reaise rushing into you
where that darkness had be ripped from
there is the ocean rushing
you feel no pain,
you feel nothing
you are tossed around
and then the purity lurches out of u
and u see something coming towards you
u recongnize it as the darkness that was once inside you
its not not darkness anymore however,
now its is the inexplicable lump of cleased purity
it is placed back in into your chest
you are plaved back to your laying spot as if nothing had occured
you thank whatever that was because
u have been cleansed,
you are welcome
and you no longer wish to fade into darkeness
you wish to live and be see
and you are welcome
you sink, you thrash you wonder,
whats going on?
where are you?
whats happening?
all you wanted to do was fade quietly
you feel a warmth engulf you
you feel a darkness get ripped from your chest.
what is this?
you feel something missing
a hollowness is now where this lunp of darkness was,
a torrent rips tou from your thoughts
u see the darkenss above you getting thrown into light
you yourself are being thrown around in this ocean,
this ocean of purity,
you reaise rushing into you
where that darkness had be ripped from
there is the ocean rushing
you feel no pain,
you feel nothing
you are tossed around
and then the purity lurches out of u
and u see something coming towards you
u recongnize it as the darkness that was once inside you
its not not darkness anymore however,
now its is the inexplicable lump of cleased purity
it is placed back in into your chest
you are plaved back to your laying spot as if nothing had occured
you thank whatever that was because
u have been cleansed,
you are welcome
and you no longer wish to fade into darkeness
you wish to live and be see
and you are welcome
vibing to music flips the switch from a depressed mood to a chill mood in no time its kind of amazing, just gotta find that song. how is it that i have over 190 cds and i dont know what to listen to? guess that just a sign i have too much or i need more im going with the latter cause i like that reason better lol.
so umm yeh i miss u i want to see u now but ive gotta wait 6 weeks and a day, never knew i could miss some one like this i only saw u a couple days ago, i sound like such i bitch, a times im wondering if i force myself to be in this relationsip and force myself to feel this way just to prove a point to myself, cause i know im not ready for a relationship thatll last i thought i was but when i really think about it i know i im not cause theres still things that are affecting me the same things that have always been keeping me from being in legit relationships, this is my first legit realationship and im thinking abnout it and i knows these issues are what is going to prevent it from really progressing guess this is why i dont think especially about my own issues, but i kinda evicted anyone that had me dealing with their issues and they were what were keeping me from focusing on my problems so now i only have my own to deal with guess its my time to work through them, idk if im ready for that though, i dont think i am but it doesent really seem like i have a choice in the matter. i thought i was done with all this guess i wasnt damn it this is not healthy for this relationship fuck i did so much to get this one girl, i have a feeling im gonna fuck it up while im working my way through this, and i know shes gonna try to fight to keep me but you shouldent do that not this time, i just hope u find it in you to give me a third chance after i work through all this.
have you ever gotten that feeling that you want to do something different but you dont know what it is last time i did i got a piercing i dont remember what i did the time before that, but usually id change girls cause usually shed be the boring part of my life that needs the change thats not the case this time i dont want to do that and i dont think i could even if i wanted to with this one. this ones like tyson when hes losing a boxing match shed bite off and ear before she admitted defeat, shes a pain in the ass like that she wont let me get rid of her but i love her for that.
so yeh its snowed everyday here this week yesterday it snowed all day its was ridiculous atleast its not alota snow at once though its only like 1-2 inches although it really doesent affect me how much it snows ill be going to class anyway. snow has lost that zest that it had when i was younger now its just a pain in the ass. people are like "oh its pretty" im like its white? thats so much prettier? if it was a bunch of white people covering the landscape dont think youd be saying that.
what moron crashes his plain into a random irs buiding in texas? oh wait hes from texas that explain so much. but seriously you have a plain and a house to burn down how serous could ur problems witht the irs be like if they havent taken those yet your in pretty freaking good shape. add that to the list of reason i can live in texas. there really arent that many places i could live honestly.
im having far less patience for people who irritate me, what used to irritate me mildly so that i could ignore them they are to the point that i have to leave or ill do bodily harm to the person seriously its that bad. idk whatever they just need to stay outa may way.
p.s i miss u
so umm yeh i miss u i want to see u now but ive gotta wait 6 weeks and a day, never knew i could miss some one like this i only saw u a couple days ago, i sound like such i bitch, a times im wondering if i force myself to be in this relationsip and force myself to feel this way just to prove a point to myself, cause i know im not ready for a relationship thatll last i thought i was but when i really think about it i know i im not cause theres still things that are affecting me the same things that have always been keeping me from being in legit relationships, this is my first legit realationship and im thinking abnout it and i knows these issues are what is going to prevent it from really progressing guess this is why i dont think especially about my own issues, but i kinda evicted anyone that had me dealing with their issues and they were what were keeping me from focusing on my problems so now i only have my own to deal with guess its my time to work through them, idk if im ready for that though, i dont think i am but it doesent really seem like i have a choice in the matter. i thought i was done with all this guess i wasnt damn it this is not healthy for this relationship fuck i did so much to get this one girl, i have a feeling im gonna fuck it up while im working my way through this, and i know shes gonna try to fight to keep me but you shouldent do that not this time, i just hope u find it in you to give me a third chance after i work through all this.
have you ever gotten that feeling that you want to do something different but you dont know what it is last time i did i got a piercing i dont remember what i did the time before that, but usually id change girls cause usually shed be the boring part of my life that needs the change thats not the case this time i dont want to do that and i dont think i could even if i wanted to with this one. this ones like tyson when hes losing a boxing match shed bite off and ear before she admitted defeat, shes a pain in the ass like that she wont let me get rid of her but i love her for that.
so yeh its snowed everyday here this week yesterday it snowed all day its was ridiculous atleast its not alota snow at once though its only like 1-2 inches although it really doesent affect me how much it snows ill be going to class anyway. snow has lost that zest that it had when i was younger now its just a pain in the ass. people are like "oh its pretty" im like its white? thats so much prettier? if it was a bunch of white people covering the landscape dont think youd be saying that.
what moron crashes his plain into a random irs buiding in texas? oh wait hes from texas that explain so much. but seriously you have a plain and a house to burn down how serous could ur problems witht the irs be like if they havent taken those yet your in pretty freaking good shape. add that to the list of reason i can live in texas. there really arent that many places i could live honestly.
im having far less patience for people who irritate me, what used to irritate me mildly so that i could ignore them they are to the point that i have to leave or ill do bodily harm to the person seriously its that bad. idk whatever they just need to stay outa may way.
p.s i miss u
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Psalms 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green [1] pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest [2] my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. [3]
possible future tattoo
possible future tattoo
Monday, February 15, 2010
sometimes, well most of the time i wonder if she is really this perfect or am i just blinded? i really hope its that shes really this perfect cause its really gonna hurt a hell of alot when my vision clears up and i finially realize shes not, im really not looking forward to that
sometimes i wish someone understood what i was going through and that i had someone to talk about all that ive been holding in and dealing with, i really think i need help. and no no matter how much u guys tell me that i can talk to u and offer and stuff i just cant talk to u and u really cant help, i say im fine but im not but im guessing this is as fine as ill ever be....
sometimes i wish someone understood what i was going through and that i had someone to talk about all that ive been holding in and dealing with, i really think i need help. and no no matter how much u guys tell me that i can talk to u and offer and stuff i just cant talk to u and u really cant help, i say im fine but im not but im guessing this is as fine as ill ever be....
Friday, February 12, 2010
the calvin calzone
im like uber bored right now and idk what to do with myself.
so ive come to the conclusion that Kaufman is obsessed with my junk, like seriously what guy nicknames another guys junk unless its his boyfriend or u want it or something. so either he wants in for his own or he wants it in and around him, either one isnt gonna happen. this is another reason he cant be my roomate next year id wake up to him like worshiping it or building a shrine to it, of id wake u to him fapping away (masterbating), like id just wake up and all id here was fap fap fap "oh the calvin calzone i want it so much i want it in me so bad" oh god hed just bust (cum/orgasm)like all over the walls hed coat all the walls around me bed, oh god so so so many levels of wrong. idk why he named it the calvin calzone, like i know he likes calzones idk if he wants it is his mouth to see what its filled with hes envisioning that it tastes like its filled with meat and cheeses idk. im hoping its just penis envy (according to him hes not working with much) and not that he has some kinda gay urge for me and he wants me like that. im leaning towards pemis envy cause hes recently names peters and jeremys junk too (the peter penis and the jeremy javelin). i know waaaayyyy too much about the bung guys junk. oh god im gonna be stuck in a car with him for 4 hours tomorrow well technically today, he better not irritate me or im just gonna kill him, hes so abrasive.
oh well this all started for a funny FML i read.
Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML
so ive come to the conclusion that Kaufman is obsessed with my junk, like seriously what guy nicknames another guys junk unless its his boyfriend or u want it or something. so either he wants in for his own or he wants it in and around him, either one isnt gonna happen. this is another reason he cant be my roomate next year id wake up to him like worshiping it or building a shrine to it, of id wake u to him fapping away (masterbating), like id just wake up and all id here was fap fap fap "oh the calvin calzone i want it so much i want it in me so bad" oh god hed just bust (cum/orgasm)like all over the walls hed coat all the walls around me bed, oh god so so so many levels of wrong. idk why he named it the calvin calzone, like i know he likes calzones idk if he wants it is his mouth to see what its filled with hes envisioning that it tastes like its filled with meat and cheeses idk. im hoping its just penis envy (according to him hes not working with much) and not that he has some kinda gay urge for me and he wants me like that. im leaning towards pemis envy cause hes recently names peters and jeremys junk too (the peter penis and the jeremy javelin). i know waaaayyyy too much about the bung guys junk. oh god im gonna be stuck in a car with him for 4 hours tomorrow well technically today, he better not irritate me or im just gonna kill him, hes so abrasive.
oh well this all started for a funny FML i read.
Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML
Sunday, February 7, 2010
so yeh...
i know i havent blogged in a while i really should blog more and i want to, i just havent been able to focus on a thought for a couple days idk why. but i really like the friends ive made here theyre really chill. kaufman and scott i can do without though. and its nice having friends up here that have their cars.
for some reason im constatly spelling without as withought idk why but so far ive caught myself doing it so i dont spell it wrong and look like an idiot.
for some reason im constatly spelling without as withought idk why but so far ive caught myself doing it so i dont spell it wrong and look like an idiot.
Monday, February 1, 2010
my blue eyed princess
my blue eyed princess,
i look into your eyes and i see past that sparkle
past blue shimmer that appear as if someone shined sapphires,
and bejeweled your eyes at birth.
i see deeper a see your soul
i see my soul
and i see as the entwine and meld
as each moment we get closer and closer
to being one entinty.
my blue eyed princess,
you are my love,
my joy,
my light in the dark,
the light at the end of this tunnel,
you guide me through my darkest moments,
and each time i am always drawn back to you.
my blue eyed princess,
you brighten my days,
and make my nights sparkle,
you gave me that glimmer of hope,
that someone was out there for me,
for all this i thank you.
you are my blue eyed princess,
and i am your knight in shining armour,
here to protect you and provide,
you with anything youll ever need.
my blue eyed princess i love you,
i love you more and more with every beat of my heart.
-written with love,
your knight
i look into your eyes and i see past that sparkle
past blue shimmer that appear as if someone shined sapphires,
and bejeweled your eyes at birth.
i see deeper a see your soul
i see my soul
and i see as the entwine and meld
as each moment we get closer and closer
to being one entinty.
my blue eyed princess,
you are my love,
my joy,
my light in the dark,
the light at the end of this tunnel,
you guide me through my darkest moments,
and each time i am always drawn back to you.
my blue eyed princess,
you brighten my days,
and make my nights sparkle,
you gave me that glimmer of hope,
that someone was out there for me,
for all this i thank you.
you are my blue eyed princess,
and i am your knight in shining armour,
here to protect you and provide,
you with anything youll ever need.
my blue eyed princess i love you,
i love you more and more with every beat of my heart.
-written with love,
your knight
blah
so idk today was kind of a blah day i woke up late which idk didnt bother me i wasnt like shit i was just like ok whatever let me get dressed and go to class. idk i was a chill and whatever, i participated in classs alot, i really like that story. but yeh the rest of my day is pretty much a blur i went to the gym which is good need to hit that shit hard to get results. then i had dinner nothing special i need to get kaufman a and scott colume control or im gonna go deaf i realized that i have somewhat sensitive hearing. then i watched a beast episode of house with shane and a couple other people. so it was an ok day. oh yeh today is the frirst day well technically the second day of black history month. woo! where are my reparations? lamo imagine the black half of baracky needs to kick in and start handing out some mother fucking raparations.
so apparently the first valentines day that ill have a girlfriend ill be spending it alone anyway. woo! imagine id i cared and did hate the world before.
so umm yeh why am i doing this again? ok i know i love her and all that bullshit but still. moments like this make me realize how much i love her the fact that me not being with her makes me feel like a piece of me is missing, thats so cliche and i hate saying that cause then i sound like one of those people and that really irritates me cause i dont want to be one of them, ok im in love i admit it but im not one of those corny cliche spewing people they just annoy me. but idk i really miss her, i really want to be with her righ now and i cant, i have to wait another 8 weeks til i can see her. like i knew this when i came up and i was fine last week but idk what it is about today but idk missing her just hit me and i cant stop thinking about her, idk what triggered it, but i thought wecamming would help but it did it just made things worse cause there she was right infront of me and i can see her but im not with her i cant hold her and just cuddle, is that so much to ask for to be able to cuddle and hold the one you love ofcoure it is why should i get one thing i really and deeply want. i just love how i finally match up with someone that is so close to a perfect match for me and nothing is easy its just fucking fantastic, if its not the fact that her parents forbade her from dating me which i personally love u like me but i cant date ur daughter cause u dont appove of interatial couples,i must say that is some of the most forward thinking ideology ive ever heard thats just so freaking intelligent, you dont even know me yeh i just love that, its like mlk died for nothing but whatever hold ur ideologies normally i wouldent give a shit be racists and bigots good for u, but now this is actually affecting me and thats when it bothers me. so now we've been dating for almost 6 months and they dont know now really i dont care if they know but the fact that we have to hide id and sneak around thats what really really bothers me like im 18 im past that age of running around and hiding and sneaking shit seriously im a man i shouldent have to hide shit im mature fuck that shit. i know i havent really said anything about it bothering me but thats cause i just figured i was being a bitch so i sucked it up and dealt with it, but honestly thats one thing that really bothers me deeply. guess theres nothingwe can do about it except keep doing what we're doing but really no i cant do that thats just not who i am. ive held in too much shit over the years that have bothered me and they just fester i gotta stop doing that ive got too many issues as it is i dont need more.
so apparently the first valentines day that ill have a girlfriend ill be spending it alone anyway. woo! imagine id i cared and did hate the world before.
so umm yeh why am i doing this again? ok i know i love her and all that bullshit but still. moments like this make me realize how much i love her the fact that me not being with her makes me feel like a piece of me is missing, thats so cliche and i hate saying that cause then i sound like one of those people and that really irritates me cause i dont want to be one of them, ok im in love i admit it but im not one of those corny cliche spewing people they just annoy me. but idk i really miss her, i really want to be with her righ now and i cant, i have to wait another 8 weeks til i can see her. like i knew this when i came up and i was fine last week but idk what it is about today but idk missing her just hit me and i cant stop thinking about her, idk what triggered it, but i thought wecamming would help but it did it just made things worse cause there she was right infront of me and i can see her but im not with her i cant hold her and just cuddle, is that so much to ask for to be able to cuddle and hold the one you love ofcoure it is why should i get one thing i really and deeply want. i just love how i finally match up with someone that is so close to a perfect match for me and nothing is easy its just fucking fantastic, if its not the fact that her parents forbade her from dating me which i personally love u like me but i cant date ur daughter cause u dont appove of interatial couples,i must say that is some of the most forward thinking ideology ive ever heard thats just so freaking intelligent, you dont even know me yeh i just love that, its like mlk died for nothing but whatever hold ur ideologies normally i wouldent give a shit be racists and bigots good for u, but now this is actually affecting me and thats when it bothers me. so now we've been dating for almost 6 months and they dont know now really i dont care if they know but the fact that we have to hide id and sneak around thats what really really bothers me like im 18 im past that age of running around and hiding and sneaking shit seriously im a man i shouldent have to hide shit im mature fuck that shit. i know i havent really said anything about it bothering me but thats cause i just figured i was being a bitch so i sucked it up and dealt with it, but honestly thats one thing that really bothers me deeply. guess theres nothingwe can do about it except keep doing what we're doing but really no i cant do that thats just not who i am. ive held in too much shit over the years that have bothered me and they just fester i gotta stop doing that ive got too many issues as it is i dont need more.
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